Oversharing

After seeing a post on Facebook this week with someone stating their annoyance with those who comment on people who have big families, it made me reflect on comments we hear oh so regularly but also how much information we disclose to strangers.

After we introduce ourselves, we generally state our job. Hi I’m Jodie and I’m a teacher/counsellor. The job or career for most people is a big part of their lives and often defines who they are. This is something most people feel comfortable sharing. If they don’t share, then do you ask what they do? Or would you feel the need to tell them that you aren’t working? Would you go so far to say why you arent working? Think about it this way. Let’s say you have just been made redundant. You are walking down the road and see an acquaintance. They say “hi – no work today?” How do you respond?

A) not today

B) I’ve got a day off

C) no I was made redundant

Now the answer you give is completely up to you. It may be you are embarrassed so you might say B, it may be that you feel the need to explain yourself so you might choose C. How many of us would choose A? That would require a strong sense of self that I don’t really know this person and do I really need to share this personal information with them?

After occupation the next question most people ask/state is Relationship status? Kids? How many? How old?

These simple introductions can be quite intrusive and personal but are so often the first pieces of information we share to strangers.

I’ve been in a queue before and heard one woman see another woman with a baby in the buggy and ask how old her baby is? This led on to queries around how the mother is quite old to have her first baby and the mother then explained she’d had miscarriages. It amazed me how open she was to a complete stranger.

I’m often asked do I have any other children? I answer no. I then have felt the need in the past to explain that my husband and I split up when I was pregnant and I haven’t met anyone else. To people I barely know! Even writing this it seems ludicrous! How often have we shared really private information when actually we didn’t need to.

Why? Do we really need to explain ourselves?

Thinking about these two cases alone, does it matter if someone has their baby later than others? There could be a whole host of reasons. Is it so predictable that people only have one child? Do I really need to explain the reason why I didn’t? Of course not. But then how often has someone said to you how lovely your top is only for you to say/whisper Oh it’s from Primark/Asda or I got it in the sale etc Do we need to add these extra pieces of information? Why dont we just say thank you?

These conversations can leave you vulnerable. So why do we do it?

In psychodynamic therapy it’s suggested that when we defend ourselves, we do so to stop the feelings of anxiety or guilt. “What will they think of me? It must look weird.” So we overshare so that people understand why things are the way they are. One part of us feels the need to explain our circumstances. However, if we were confident in ourselves we wouldn’t feel the need to explain. How would it feel to just answer the question and not divulge any more information. How would it feel to just say thank you when someone pays you a compliment rather than justifying looking nice by wearing a cheap top?

You may be thinking I’ve asked those questions and never pressured anyone to answer. And you’re right. It’s the person you are asking that often feels the pressure. We will never stop people being curious so all we can do is think about our own responses.

If someone says to me “just the one?” I can say yep! I dont need to say my usual response of “one is enough ” laughing off the comment. My feelings around having one child are actually that yes I would have loved to have had more, but if I only have one, then wow how lucky I am to have had this one!

I’m pretty sure everyone reading this will have something that they will connect to where they respond in a certain way because of their need to protect themselves from some form of anxiety. Either now or in the past. If you do, do some work around these feelings. Why does it push buttons when people ask you that question?

Think about your responses. Think about how you respond now and maybe how you would like to respond in future. Most of all only share what you want to, not because you feel you have to justify yourself.

Take care

Jodie