Being happy

For what seems like forever I’ve been waiting to be happy. When I was at primary school I had different groups of friends but couldn’t mix them. When I was in secondary school I had the same issues. I had fun at club and had really good friends. Boys – only at club but I used to finish with them before they finished with me. Why? Why was I insecure even at a young age? I haven’t worked this out yet. I think also I was always looking for something better. Looking back at those boys and seeing some of my peers ending up with these boys I wondered why I pushed them away. When I got married, I thought it was for life but it wasn’t to be. My next 13 years were to be on the search for love. I tried everything. Believe me. Speed dating, online dating, date on a plate, dating seminar, friday night dinners, being set up by a friend and real life meeting a guy on a night out. For the most part, I dated Jewish guys. That’s what I was used to and what I felt comfortable with. I dated nice guys, obnoxious guys, boring guys, fit guys, fat guys, tall guys, short guys, rich guys, poor guys, guys with amazing cars and guys who didn’t drive, guys with kids and guys without. The whole time I promised myself that when I met The One I would be happy. I’d appreciate him. New Year’s Eve 2019 I gave myself a talking to and said this year I needed to let go of everything and try something new. I tried hinge which was an app I’d been recommended on the dating seminar. The first and only guy I met was Anthony. He wasn’t Jewish but he had lovely eyes and a warm smile. Our first date was a bit of a disaster at the start as I couldn’t find the restaurant and was pretty stressed and probably shouting at him. We bared our souls that night and both had a cry at our past history. Something all the dating advice says not to do. He was eager and so was I but I was tentative about trusting someone. We dated for a month before I had a health scare. I had to have a colposcopy. I had to tell him but I was nervous to. A friend advised me not to let him come with me to the hospital but he wanted to come. He looked after me the way I’ve never been looked after before. In fact a previous boyfriend who I’d had a health scare with couldn’t care less about being there for me. Anthony came and looked after me the whole weekend and I was overwhelmed with his kindness. I returned the favour when I had to take him to the hospital with an injury. We were in love after a very short time and that scared me a lot. Within 2 months he was staying here Thursday to Sunday and had met my parents and my son. I was VERY adamant that he wouldn’t move in for at least 2 years. But what I didnt know was that the pandemic was about to hit the UK. Ethan got a temperature and then I was ill. Anthony came and looked after us and never went home. That was a shock to the system and I was worried about it. Worried about falling for him properly. Worried about being too happy. A year on and I am at peace with being happy. In the 13 months we have been together I have never felt insecure. I have never doubted his feelings for me. It’s been an incredibly long time for me since I have experienced that. So this Valentine’s Day I wanted to share my love with the world because for years I have sat and watched from the side lines. Anthony makes me happy. We aren’t perfect but he shows me and tells me he loves me everyday. I believe him too. So I am happy. Finally. I sometimes worry about out life after lockdown but we will deal with that when it happens. That’s just me 🥰